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Distressed by Rob Barratt


My furniture is all distressed

It's unusually unstable

The oak bookcase is quite depressed

As is the coffee table


The worktop has a thin veneer

It seethes beneath the surface

The taps know how low they can… sink

And think life has no purpose


The painted window frame's been stripped...

Of dignity. It's lacquered

The blue front door's morale has dipped

The cheese board is cream-crackered


The writing bureau doesn't give a jot

The cupboard suffers mockery

It hates the plates and has no mates

It misuses jugs...and the fine bone china tea set


The kitchen table's past is stained

The dishwasher has worries

Last week it broke down and explained

That it was missing Curry's


The settle never settles

And the new desk is neurotic

The chaise longue is invariably wrong

The sofa is psychotic


The fey pouffé is apt to weep

It's covered in wet tissues

The rocking chair, it never sleeps

The magazine rack has Big Issues


The bed’s always horizontal

The tallboy’s a cross dresser

The umbrella stand is second hand

And feels its worth is lesser


The mirror which reflects, neglects

The fine wine rack which whines

The shelves themselves lack shelf-respect

The dining table pines


The mantelpiece has no mental peace

It's fired up with wrath

The woodburner has lost its spark

The wardrobe is a goth


The exposed beams aren’t what they seem

The ceiling's always plastered

The landing has a manic stair

It's an evil little bastard


The piano's case isn't black and white

The floorboards feel downtrodden

The dressing table's dressed to kill

The mini-bar is sodden


The Ottoman is not a man

But it's no couch potato

The teak footstool's a crazy fool

Who quotes in Greek from Plato


Yes, my furniture is all distressed

But they've reason for concern

Oh... I must get it off my chest

...Tomorrow they will burn!!


(sing to The Beatles' "Norwegian Wood)

I once had the best

Furniture but

It got distressed

So I lit a fire, isn't it good?

Norwegian Wood.

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