POEMS

Distressed

Seventeen in Aberdeen

My furniture is all distressed

It's unusually unstable

The oak bookcase is quite depressed

As is the coffee table

The worktop has a thin veneer

It seethes beneath the surface

The taps know how low they can… sink

And think life has no purpose

Meet with the potatoes

On holiday in the Canaries I walked past a restaurant which displayed its menu on the street. One dish was described as "Meet with the potatoes". We ate there that night. The food was great but the potato family never showed up.

I’m going to meet with the potatoes

They’re the kind of spuds you like

They’ll all be wearing jackets

And they won’t be made by Nike

When you meet with the potatoes

You won’t find them on the stair

‘Cos they are couch potatoes

Or as the French say “pommes de chair”

There’s the lovely Maris Piper

King Edward’s known as Ted

If he ever marries Maris

He’ll need eyes in the back of his head

I once loved a hot potato

But she couldn’t have been colder

She was inclined to waffle

And had a big chip on her shoulder

If you’ve got a beef with the potatoes

Just keep it off the boil

And if you dig the potatoes

Best get rid of excess soil

If I was a potato

I’d get roasted in a tin

But I’ll never be a potato

‘Cos I’m comfortable in my own skin

It’s damp and grey on the River Spey

And it’s dank and dark there too

But it’s seventeen in Aberdeen

And the sky’s an azure blue

How cold it feels in Galashiels

And it’s blowing quite a hoolie

But it’s seventeen in Aberdeen

No need to wear a woolly!

The fog hangs thick in the town of Wick

And it’s cloudy in Kirkaldy

But it’s seventeen in Aberdeen

Where you can tan your body

It’s lashing down in Lennoxtown

And it’s drizzling in Dundee

But it’s seventeen in Aberdeen

It’s the hottest place to be

The Troofa bout the Garra Rufa

The Garra Rufa have arrived

To eat your body flesh alive...

Garra Rufa, Garra Rufa

Just ideal for you if you've a

Foot or two that need some eatin'

Garra Rufa need some meat in-

Side their little fishy tummies

Toe flesh, heel flesh, yummy, yummy

Garra Rufa, Garra Rufa

Preditory, piscine pedicural trooper

Please don't be a party pooper

The Foot Spa's doing a bargain two-fer-

One if you can bring a friend

They'll forage round your body end