Poems

My furniture is all distressed

It's unusually unstable

The oak bookcase is quite depressed

As is the coffee table

The worktop has a thin veneer

It seethes beneath the surface

The taps know how low they can… sink

And think life has no purpose

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A permissive path who slept around

Made her bed with common ground

She was quickly impregnated

And subsequently cultivated

She produced a crop of baby corn

But now she’s shacked up …. with a lawn

One day she’ll hit a rocky patch

She’ll go to seed soon, just you watch

Her secret truth will be revealed

Of how she loved to play the field

I guess she knew what “lost the plot” meant

In her failed affair with an allotment

Nobody could ever make her

Settle down with half an acre

It’s she who is the little flirt

It’s me who likes to dish … the dirt

It’s damp and grey on the River Spey

And it’s dank and dark there too

But it’s seventeen in Aberdeen

And the sky’s an azure blue

How cold it feels in Galashiels

And it’s blowing quite a hoolie

But it’s seventeen in Aberdeen

No need to wear a woolly!

The fog hangs thick in the town of Wick

And it’s cloudy in Kirkaldy

But it’s seventeen in Aberdeen

Where you can tan your body

It’s lashing down in Lennoxtown

And it’s drizzling in Dundee

But it’s seventeen in Aberdeen

It’s the hottest place to be

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The Garra Rufa have arrived

To eat your body flesh alive...

Garra Rufa, Garra Rufa

Just ideal for you if you've a

Foot or two that need some eatin'

Garra Rufa need some meat in-

Side their little fishy tummies

Toe flesh, heel flesh, yummy, yummy

Garra Rufa, Garra Rufa

Preditory, piscine pedicural trooper

Please don't be a party pooper

The Foot Spa's doing a bargain two-fer-

One if you can bring a friend

They'll forage round your body end

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