Poems
Distressed
My furniture is all distressed
It's unusually unstable
The oak bookcase is quite depressed
As is the coffee table
The worktop has a thin veneer
It seethes beneath the surface
The taps know how low they can… sink
And think life has no purpose
Permissive Path
A permissive path who slept around
Made her bed with common ground
She was quickly impregnated
And subsequently cultivated
She produced a crop of baby corn
But now she’s shacked up …. with a lawn
One day she’ll hit a rocky patch
She’ll go to seed soon, just you watch
Her secret truth will be revealed
Of how she loved to play the field
I guess she knew what “lost the plot” meant
In her failed affair with an allotment
Nobody could ever make her
Settle down with half an acre
It’s she who is the little flirt
It’s me who likes to dish … the dirt
Seventeen in Aberdeen
It’s damp and grey on the River Spey
And it’s dank and dark there too
But it’s seventeen in Aberdeen
And the sky’s an azure blue
How cold it feels in Gallashiels
And it’s blowing quite a hoolie
But it’s seventeen in Aberdeen
No need to wear a woolly!
The fog hangs thick in the town of Wick
And it’s cloudy in Kirkaldy
But it’s seventeen in Aberdeen
Where you can tan your body
It’s lashing down in Lennoxtown
And it’s drizzling in Dundee
But it’s seventeen in Aberdeen
It’s the hottest place to be
The Troofa bout the Garra Rufa
The Garra Rufa have arrived
To eat your body flesh alive...
Garra Rufa, Garra Rufa
Just ideal for you if you've a
Foot or two that need some eatin'
Garra Rufa need some meat in-
Side their little fishy tummies
Toe flesh, heel flesh, yummy, yummy
Garra Rufa, Garra Rufa
Preditory, piscine pedicural trooper
Please don't be a party pooper
The Foot Spa's doing a bargain two-fer-
One if you can bring a friend
They'll forage round your body end